Nonviolent Communication Word Choice for Expectations
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), also known as Compassionate Communication, emphasizes mindful language to foster connection and understanding. When it comes to expressing expectations, the traditional phrasing often leads to defensiveness and conflict. NVC offers alternatives that focus on needs and observations rather than demands or judgments.
Let's explore how to reframe "expectations" using NVC principles:
Understanding the Problem with "Expectations"
The word "expectation" often implies a demand or a judgment. Saying, "I expect you to..." can sound controlling and puts pressure on the other person. It can trigger feelings of guilt, resentment, or defensiveness, hindering genuine connection.
NVC Alternatives for Expressing Needs Related to Expectations
Instead of focusing on what you expect someone to do, focus on what you need and observe. This approach shifts the responsibility from the other person to your own needs and feelings. Here's a breakdown:
1. Observations: Start by stating what you're observing without judgment or evaluation. This forms the factual basis for your needs. For example:
- Instead of: "I expect you to clean up after yourself."
- Try: "I notice the dishes are still in the sink." or "I see that the living room is messy."
2. Feelings: Share your feelings honestly and openly. Connect your feelings to your observations.
- Instead of: "I expect you to be on time. You're always late!" (Judgment and generalization)
- Try: "When you're late, I feel anxious and worried because..." (Connect feeling to situation) or "I feel frustrated when the dishes pile up."
3. Needs: Clearly articulate the underlying needs that aren't being met. This is the heart of NVC.
- Instead of: "I expect you to finish this project by Friday." (Demand)
- Try: "I need reliable completion of the project so that I can..." (Explain the need) or "I need to feel supported in my work so I can meet my deadlines." or "I need a clean and organized home to feel calm and peaceful."
4. Requests: Make specific, positive requests rather than issuing demands. Keep the request clear and actionable.
- Instead of: "I expect you to call me when you’re running late." (Demand)
- Try: "Would you be willing to call or text me if you're going to be delayed?" (A polite request) or "Would you be willing to help me clean up the kitchen?" (A clear request)
Examples of Rephrasing Expectations:
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Original: "I expect you to be more respectful."
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NVC: "When I hear you speaking that way, I feel disrespected and hurt. I need to feel valued and safe in our interactions. Would you be willing to use a more thoughtful tone?"
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Original: "I expect my children to do their homework."
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NVC: "I notice the homework is not done. I feel concerned about their academic progress. I need my children to succeed. Would you be willing to work together to ensure homework is completed?"
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Original: "I expect you to contribute equally to household chores."
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NVC: "I notice that most of the household chores are falling on me. I feel overwhelmed and resentful. I need to feel supported in the upkeep of our home. Would you be willing to collaborate on creating a chore schedule that feels fair to both of us?"
Frequently Asked Questions (PAA):
How can I manage my expectations without using the word "expect"?
Focus on expressing your needs and observations directly. Instead of stating what you expect, share your feelings and needs clearly. Then make a specific request.
What if my needs aren't met after expressing them using NVC?
NVC is not a guarantee of getting what you want. It's a process for improving communication and understanding. If your needs aren't met, you can repeat the process, perhaps exploring the other person's perspective, or consider adjusting your strategy. Acceptance of the other's autonomy is also a part of NVC.
Is it always possible to rephrase every expectation using NVC?
While striving for NVC principles is always beneficial, in some situations, direct communication is necessary, especially in professional settings. Even in those cases, aim for clarity, respect, and a focus on shared outcomes rather than commands or demands.
By using NVC techniques, you can shift from controlling expectations to compassionate communication that fosters understanding and strengthens relationships. Remember, the goal is to connect, not control.
